Keith Olbermann
to "Shut the fu...er, shut the hell up!"]] Keith Olbermann was a pundit who is on the front lines in the War on Truth™. Casualties in the ratings wars have swung wildly from each side of the conflict. The Noble Warriors of Truthiness stand on one side, while the demonic hordes of satanic darkness stand on the other. Keith Olbermann is a card carrying member of the demonic hordes of satanic darkness, locked in galactic battle against The Noble Warriors of Truthiness, whose notable figures include Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, and Rush Limbaugh. Olbermann is also a huge ass-douche. Childhood Went to the private Hackley School in Tarrytown, New York, after psychological testing showed he would never survive public school with his bitchy, effeminate personality. Now freely admits that not only was he beaten up regularly, but was beaten up by girls, who often competed for the privilege of beating him up. This explains his misogyny as well as his inability to relate to humans except through tantrums and other expressions of wounded pride.http://www.narbosa.com/2007/04/so-espn-hates-keith-olbermann-confirmed.html Education Keith Olbermann graduated from Cornell University in 1979, where he received a bachelor's degree in milking and bovine management. He then gave a blowjob to a cow to change his Agricultural degree into a Communications degree by passing the oral test. While milking the cows he spent his years working at the campus radio station throwing things at the microphone, barely passing enough classes to graduate. His parents got a bargain, spending only $800 dollars per semester, instead of the $10,000 dollars that real Ivy League schools charge. Ann Coulter decided to expose Olbermann's lies by giving her exclusive to a reputable show on Fox News called Red Eye, their 3 am viewers of 10 people were shocked to learn that Olbermann got his communication's degree by whoring his body to cows. Television Career Worked at KTLA and KCBS in Los Angeles in the late eighties as a sports anchor. Although Keith says he was made an "honorary Angeleno", no one in the Los Angeles area remembers him. As co-host with Dan Patrick on ESPN's Sports Center from 1992 to 1997, Keith eventually flamed out when he discovered he could not control that show, the entire network and everybody in it. He was fired but pretended like he left of his own accord. From 1998 to 2001, he was an anchor for Fox Sports Net, a minor subsidiary of FOX that no one watches. Rupert Murdoch fired him when Rupert's psychic told him that one day, Keith Olbermann would become NewsCorp's greatest enemy and drain on its revenues. In March of 2003, Olbermann was awarded his own show Countdown, after finishing his super-secret radio/television probation. He had somehow managed to stay out of trouble long enough to be given another shot at the Big Time. Now that the Great Patriotic American George W. Bush is no longer president, Keith is waiting for the OK from MSNBC's newest Rock Star, Rachel Maddow, to begin a long-overdue retooling of his show for the Obama presidency. "Rache" thinks he isn't diverse or cool enough. Appearance On The Report by Colbert.]] Stephen Colbert interviewed (and was victorious over) Keith Olbermann on the March 14, 2006 edition of The Colbert Report. Olbermann was nailed by Stephen as a secret agent for Hillary Clinton. Keith Olbermann Freedom Factoids * Has a funny, Germanic sounding name, but is Not a Jew. * Keith Olbermann is going to hell. * Keith Olbermann hates America. * Keith Olbermann has been known to use facts. * Keith is so crazy, he saves his own urine ** he is hoping to force Bill O'Reilly to drink it * Ads for Cialisduring Keith Olbermann's show, Countdown, prove that he has erectile dysfunction. * Was going to light his news copy on fire at the end of every episode of Countdown, but producers convinced him it would be better to crumple one piece and throw it at the camera instead. *Has been known to watch porn movies on Showtime after arriving home from work at 1 am. *Hates CNN's Anderson Cooper. Thinks marketing experiments should only be done on things you can eat and drink. *No longer allows staffers to post comments at the Newshole Blog, because all the comments do not flatter Keith's Ego. *For reasons which no sane person can understand, Keith Olbermann hates Papa Bear Bill O'Reilly and never passes on a chance to humiliate this great American. *His nickname is "elements at NBC". *While trying to pick up a cute girl in a bar, Keith Olbermann had her stolen from him by fellow sports broadcaster, Chris Berman. Berman walked by and said to the girl, "You're with me, Leather." The girl promptly got up and left with Berman. *Keith Olbermann hates Chris Berman and frequently talks shit about him during his ESPN broadcast. *Keith Olbermann has been viciously attacked and head-butted by FOX pit bull and real American, Irena Briganti. *Keith Olbermann makes God very angry and will be smote as soon as is convenient. * Keith Olbermann's program is called Countdown. This must not be confused with "The Threat Down" on Stephen Colbert's far superior program. *Fired by ESPN for being a dickhead. *Keith Olbermann forced to broadcast his part of The Dan Patrick Show from ABC studios in New York, because he was banned from setting foot on ESPN's campus in Bristol, Connecticut forever. *Keith Olbermann is being stalked by Log Cabin Republican Robert Cox, self-proclaimed head of the Media Bloggers Association. Cox has the hots for Olbermann and can't think of a better way to get his attention. *Cox's website, Olbermannwatch.com, was founded by him and funded by Fox News to expose Keith Olbermann's extreme liberalness and anti-American agenda. *On February 12, 2007, against the wishes of all patriotic Americans, Keith Olbermann's contract was renewed for four years by MSNBC, the ultra-liberal spinoff of NBC. *On March 1, 2007, Olbermannwatch.com was closed down after inadvertently increasing, rather than detracting from Countdown's ratings. But in response to numerous e-mails by patriotic, albeit knuckle-dragging, supporters, Olbermannwatch.com reopened on March 9th, 2007. *Unfashionably late for Tim Russert's memorial service because he missed the train from New York to Washington, DC, while he had staffers running around trying to find ketchup for his fries. *Kicked off the MSNBC anchor desk along with co-anchor Chris Matthews after the Democratic National Convention in Denver for fighting with Matthews and fellow pundit Joe Scarborough. Immediately prior to his altercation with Scarborough, he had ordered Joe to "get a shovel". Olbermann denies he said that because he thought Scarborough was spewing horseshit uttering half-truths and obfuscations, but because he expected a fire to break out on Scarborough's face, and wanted a shovel to put it out. *Refused to anchor at the Republican National Convention in Minneapolis-St. Paul because he feared elements from FOX News would have him kidnapped and sent to Gitmo. *Had reporter Andrea Mitchell buried by 10,000 red, white & blue balloons while she was attempting to report from the RNC, so she would not take too much of his camera time. See Also * Liberal media * Blame America First * 24 Controversy * Olbermann's collection of Bush scandals, part one (part two) * Olbermann's collection of slanders against The Greatest Maverick Ever! * Olbermann's Worst persons in the world External Tubes *Countdown's Front Page at MSNBC *Special Comments *Keith Olbermann front on Wikipedia *The Countdown Blog (Really in disrepair, but go ahead, try anyway) * Apologizing for making ESPN fire him *Olbermann wants life chronicled on E! Entertainment Television *Olbermann's Books *Olbermann refuses to recognize Stephen Colbert as the "Worst Person in the World" *Olbermann supports Death Panels: Death to America! *Keith Olbermann Hates Glenn Beck *Keith Olbermann you un-american traitor, we are at war!